we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
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