i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
