i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
