Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Randomize
