Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
