I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
why do cheetos always look like penises
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize