the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I understand Curling. That high.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
