Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
