so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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