I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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