So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
