'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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