the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
