I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
