so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
