it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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