i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize