i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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