I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
