god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
