Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Randomize
