he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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