got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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