I haven't been this sober since birth.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
