you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
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