walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
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