Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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