im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
