It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
