my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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