How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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