1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
