it's like iHOP with fire
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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