They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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