i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
