Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
