Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
