allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
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