can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
