Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
