man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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