im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
