Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
