When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
