Whats the glycemic index on semen?
i wish my penis had a tongue
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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