note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
