Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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