isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
