Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Dicks are not precious.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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