I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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