Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
