somebody snuck up and got me drunk
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
