apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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