I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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