Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
