she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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