I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
