yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
