you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
