I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
