somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
