too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
